restlessness, momma guilt, grace, and forgiveness


I'm already an emotional person by nature so place me in my third trimester & you, my husband, my baby girl, & even my dog may all run for the hills together. 
I remember this hormonal roller coaster my last pregnancy & sure enough it didn't fail to accompany me in this pregnancy either. 
so everything.everything. is giving me all of the "feels". 
my incessant worrying, impatience, anxiety, sadness, and bursts of unnecessary moments of irritability consume me from time to time. 
Toss these emotions in a pot of swollen ankles, deep sciatica pain, back pain, sleepless nights and you have yourself a relatively normal or common pregnancy, haha. 
but. it's still hard. it's hard on a momma, a woman, a wife.
& though some days get to me, I mean really get to me, I try so super hard to not allow it to cloud me. to stay positive and happy!

I'm a just so kinda girl. everything has to be just "so". that's who I am, that's who I'll be for years to come I'm sure. so when it comes to letting things go & not being hard on myself it can be challenging. 
but there's grace. That absolutely beautiful word that I'm trying to impart on myself as much as i try to impart on others, as much as Jesus imparts on us is what I'm learning through this season of my life. 
I exhaust. exhaust. exhaust. myself by the end of every day. I know some days I simply do too much. I clean too much, I run around too much, I stand on my feet {whilst pregnant} too much, I think too much..I have the tendency to allow little room for rest. 
& you want to know what runs through my mind when I'm crawling into bed each night? 
the "i didn't do enough" thoughts. 
the 'mama guilt' courses my veins as I wonder if i played with Charlotte long enough, did I help her "grow" or "develop" did I give her enough attention?" did I fulfill my role as a wife? did I love on my husband enough, did I give him any encouraging words or undivided attention, did I talk to him about his day. or did he walk through the door, & I break down & have him handle everything so i can go cry {it's happened a few times haha}, then feel guilty about it later.
did my household chores get done. did I love on my friends enough. did I stand my ground enough.
 My husband says he would hate to be in my head when we go to bed, haha!
Grace. Jordan. Grace. 
when I take the time to just sit & be in the Lord's word I'm reminded that I'll never have everything just "so". that life is messy & imperfect. I'm messy & imperfect, no matter how hard I try. 
but as long as I truly give my best & stay true to the woman he created me to be, I am doing everything
so I'll just continue to love on others fiercely, be a light where I can, know that I am a good momma, a loving wife, and continue doing the things that make me happy, allowing myself the freedom that comes from showing yourself grace & forgiveness. 

life is so beautiful. I love living it. I love finding ways to make it more beautiful not only for myself but for my family & others, so that they may find the beauty in the little & big things in this life too. 

 I just need to make room for more grace. 
xoxo



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